While in school, I took a lot of Women’s Studies classes - and yes, I love psychology and counseling, but these classes were my favorite. As I learned about all these different aspects of womanhood, gender, sexuality, and feminism, I also learned so much about myself. I was viewing myself within these contexts - and learning about the other people in my classes within these contexts. One topic that arised in many of those classes was how we form and shape how we view ourselves from the images we see. It seems like it’s almost impossible not to! Every magazine tells us what special diet will help us lose 5 pounds fast, every self-help book assumes we want “10-minute arm workouts,” and every show shames the fat person and praises thinness at any cost. 
And then, enter social media - where these messages are no longer passively on the shelves of a checkout lane. Still, these messages are being spoken directly to you, and the algorithm for these apps ensures that that is the only message you see. That is unless you specifically know how to counteract the way the algorithm works. 
I recently saw this video a woman posted on Instagram, in which she talked about how she used the algorithm to work in her favor. She would ignore the videos/posts of women who didn’t look like her body type that were posting about dieting/exercise. She would click the “not interested” button on those posts and begin following/interacting with women and other people who were her body type. The woman in this video talks about how seeing similar bodies, and not bodies she is supposed to “want,” has helped her and how she feels about her body. This is one-way social media can be somewhat of a benefit - we can feel less alone and see people who look like us and are dealing with similar things as us. 
But not everybody knows how to do that - not every person understands different ways to navigate these apps. And why should we? These places are meant for entertainment - not for “thinspiration,” or “fatphobia,” or a new diet/workout trend every other day. It’s almost like these things infiltrate, and we watch one video 2 seconds too long, and suddenly everything that’s recommended to us is about that one thing. How frustrating! 
Body shaming seems to be all around social media. All these videos we watch try to tell us our body is not perfect as it is - just go on the treadmill or try pilates or be in a calorie deficit to change your body, instead of teaching us ways to accept our body as it is and hopefully learn some self-love. 
So, how can we learn that acceptance? How can we learn to feel better and more compassionate about our bodies when we deal with these messages? For me and many people, this is an ongoing journey. Some days are easier than others - some aspects of our body are easier to accept than others. And there’s nothing wrong with that. If you’ve felt a certain way about your body for years - or even most of your life - showing yourself the gratitude and self-compassion you deserve will take some practice! No one is good at something new the first or even the third time they try it. But you are worth it. You are worth the practice and the time it takes to learn how to live in your body comfortably.

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In my last post, we talked about creating a  narrative that highlights our strengths and using them to our fullest potential. In making this new narrative for ourselves, we are dumping the old narrative that focuses on our flaws. Women that struggle with identifying positive qualities or strengths about themselves feel stuck and lack vision for themselves. Focusing solely on our shortcomings doesn't allow us to see our true potential. 
As women, we often aren't encouraged to talk about our strengths or positive qualities. Most of us didn't grow up hearing, "Hey, you are good at  (blank), have you ever considered doing (blank). Growing up, what stuck with us all these years are the conversations revolving around our flaws. What we likely grew up hearing is more of a comparison to others and how we aren't good enough, or maybe she's not smart enough for school, you wouldn't be good at (blank), or a real kicker is "you don't need to go to school find a man to support you."As women, we are often taught to downplay strengths. Showing confidence as a woman can sometimes lead to being labeled as arrogant or boastful, which isn't true!  There are people, relationships, experiences from our past that have influenced how we see ourselves, and our strengths. 
So when you were naming some of your strengths and became uncomfortable, I want you to know that you are not alone. If you struggled with naming your strengths and had to reach out to a friend for help, I want you to know you are not alone. And the best part is you don't have to stay feeling stuck. Changing your narrative gives you permission to push aside negative voices from the past and focus on you. Focus on what you are good at, your goals, the life you want for yourself. 

 I have this sign that hangs outside my door when I'm in session. I made it myself. Well, I didn't actually make it. I bought the letters and put them on there myself. I love this sign because of how imperfect it is. I was the kid in kindergarten sent home with a note saying, "April needs to practice cutting in the lines." LOL! That cracks me up because I'm still that kid. I mess up, drawing a straight line with a ruler!
As you can see with my sign, my spacing is off, and I'm pretty sure I used a ruler. That's ok because that is not one of my strengths. But you know what, I have a ton of other strengths, and those strengths have helped me become the person I am today. Mainly because I made a conscious choice to focus on my strengths and not my flaws! I intentionally choose to focus on what I can do well. It wasn't always this way; there was definitely a time that I spent too much attention on what I could not do instead of what I could do. 
Now ask yourself if you can say the same? If the answer is no, you are not alone. We are taught that flaws equal weakness, and that weakness means you will be unsuccessful. Blah, blah, blah. It's a bullshit narrative that leads us to focus on our flaws and doubt ourselves.
 You can choose to follow that narrative, or you can choose a new narrative. One that focuses on your strengths and allows you to accept your flaws because you are human, and we all have them. 
You can do a quick little exercise to start changing your narrative by taking out a piece of paper or pulling up the note section on your phone. I want you to list at least 10 strengths or qualities about yourself that you feel good about. How did listing them make you feel? Proud, uncomfortable, or maybe a little of both? 
If you are struggling with listing at least 10, don't worry! We can work on that and remember you're not alone. Reach out to a good friend and ask them to name some of your strengths or positive qualities they admire about you. I guarantee they can list of 10 with no problem! And if they can't, you need new friends! Now, how does reading their list make you feel?

Hold on to this because I have a part two coming up with a follow-up exercise. 


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I had scheduled a photo shoot a couple months ago to update my website and social media accounts with a new head shot. I was excited and had my two outfits for the shoot picked out weeks in advance. A couple days before the shoot, I started stressing out over what I was going to wear.  I reached out to a friend via text:
Me: I have nothing to wear for my photoshoot
Her: Yes, you do. You have lots of cute outfits
Me: Yes, but none of them are perfect…...
I stopped dead in my tracks as typed the last letter of that dreaded word
"perfect "and out loud said "son of a bitch". Perfectionism had crept in, and I hadn't even noticed. I immediately stopped rummaging through my closet. I was going to wear the original two outfits I had picked out weeks ago because damn it they are good enough! 
Perfectionism isn't something that some people have, and others don't. We have all experienced it on some level. For some, it can show up when we are feeling extra vulnerable, and in others, it shows up daily as a compulsion to be perfect in everything we do. Whether it shows up sporadically or daily, it can wreak havoc on our sense of self and leave us feeling not good enough if it goes unchecked.
Perfectionism is the belief that if you look perfect, act perfect and do everything perfect than others cant shame, blame, or judge you. Perfectionism is you trying to avoid or minimize negative feelings that shame, blame, and judgment bring on.
Perfectionism is a self-sabotaging behavior. When you aim for perfection, you are literally setting yourself up for failure. Because perfection is unattainable. We can't control others perceptions of us no matter how hard we try.
Signs you may be struggling with perfectionism:

• You spend an insane amount of time on a project, email, assignment because you are continually redoing it trying to get it perfect.
• You give up or don't try something because you are afraid of failure.
• You want to be the best at everything you do and beat yourself up if you don't feel that you are.
• You don't take constructive criticism well.
• You find it hard for others to see you have made a mistake.
• You are a "people pleaser."

I shared my story because sometimes we need reminders to strive for a healthy good enough rather than perfectionism. Aim to be the best version of yourself by accepting your vulnerabilities and practicing self-compassion.  Remember that people are going to judge regardless and all we can do is embrace who we are imperfections and all. 

"We all have it. 
We are all afraid to talk about it. 
The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives." - Brene Brown 
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Shame is an emotion that relates to our sense of self. It's a painfully strong emotion that leaves us in fear of being unlovable and unworthy.  It makes feel flawed and never good enough. 
Signs you may be struggling with shame:

• Feelings of being a fraud , phony, imposter syndrome, not belonging
• Self sabotage
• Feelings of chronic unworthiness
• People pleasing 
• Perfectionism 
• Low self-esteem/confidence
• Fear of  anything that doesn't guarantee success 

​How Therapy Treats Shame
Therapy gives you the tools to work through and fight shame. 
Therapy will help you with the following :

1. Help you understand shame and recognize your shame triggers
2. Help you reality check messages that tell us how we should act, look and behave. 
3. Will help you talk about shame with people that have earned our trust to hear our stories.
4. Help you  learn how to speak shame

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”
― Shannon L. Alder
​What Is Self-Esteem?

Self- Esteem is often described as a fair-weathered friend here one minute and gone the next. Self-Esteem is how we view our selves in comparison to others.  Individuals well-being can easily be influenced by their self-esteem. Low self-esteem is one of the most common underpinnings of individuals seeking therapy.
Signs of low self-esteem/confidence:

• Frequent negative "I am" statements
• Self -doubt
• Lack of assertiveness
• Avoids new experiences or social setting
• Being indecisive with simple decisions
• Giving up too easily
• Comparing yourself negatively to others
• Slouching, poor eye contact, fidgeting

Why Do I Have Low Self-Esteem?
​Some people develop low self-esteem in childhood. When adults harshly criticize children for mistakes, it's easy to internalize those messages. Negative childhood experiences, such as trauma, child abuse or bullying, can also contribute to low self-esteem.  As an adult experiences such as break ups, loss of employment, and other life changes can impact your self esteem.  

Therapy For Low Self-Esteem .
Therapy teaches you self-compassion. Self-Compassion is loving and treating yourself the way you would a friend in need. Self-compassion is made up of three parts:

1. Self-kindness: Being caring, loving, nurturing, forgiving towards yourself. 
2. Common Humanity: Giving your self the grace to be human and make mistakes.
3. Mindfulness: Balance. Dealing with negative emotions not by ignoring them or exaggerating them but openness and clarity. 

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​When I first started my journey of becoming a therapist suicide scared me. Talking about suicide scared me I told myself talking about it would make it worse. I told myself it would make the individual feel uncomfortable when in reality it was me that was scared and uncomfortable.
 
This is the problem society is experiencing today regarding suicide. Suicide scares people, and it makes them uncomfortable. What do we do when something makes us uncomfortable? We avoid it or act out of fear!  Family members look the other way hoping it will resolve itself and mental health professionals automatically jump to hospitalization. I have witnessed and heard the above scenarios happen more often than not. We aren't sitting down with these individuals asking them how we can help or asking them what they need from us?  
 
It's this thought process that is keeping a veil of shame around suicide. Keeping individuals feeling ashamed and not reaching out for help. How to do we fight shame? By talking about it. The more we talk about it, the less power shame holds. (Channeling my inner Brene Brown here)
 
Through education, experience and speaking with individuals I have grown into the therapist that is now not only comfortable talking about suicide but also working with clients that are currently experiencing suicide or have a history of it. When someone voices suicide to me, my first reaction no longer is    "oh shit" but rather   " ok let's have a deeper conversation about this."
 
As friends and family, we can do better! As mental health professionals, we can do better! As a community, we can do better!